No - society doesn't "accept ADHD women and not men"

I will die on that hill.

Not to be dramatic, but growing the Dating with ADHD community has been the honor of my life. You have made me feel profoundly less alone while navigating the dating scene (and life, tbh) as a woman with ADHD. And the fact that so many of you have DM’d me personally to express how this community has made you feel the same way is insanely gratifying. 🥹

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for supporting me. I promise to do the same for you, and continue growing this community to reach as many women as possible.

I believe a big part of that support includes advocating for women with ADHD. And while I don’t like to engage in arguments in my comment section, I couldn’t ignore this one recently left by a man:

Let’s set the record straight: I don’t post content to invalidate the experience of men with ADHD. Rather, I post content to validate the experience of women with ADHD.

I’m sure that men with ADHD experience many difficulties, some of which, as an ADHDer, I may understand. I’m also sure that men with ADHD experience many difficulties that I don’t understand, simply because I’m not a man.

That being said, this user seems to lack the same awareness regarding women with ADHD. And he’s not alone. I’ve received similar comments like: “imagine being a man with ADHD.”

While ADHD is “not gender specific,” gender plays a significant role on the impact of the severity of ADHD — as well as society’s understanding of it.

In addition, spreading the narrative that “society accepts ADHD women and not men” is harmful.

It’s harmful to women and our pursuit for equal rights (especially in healthcare). But it’s also harmful to men, because it continues to perpetuate misguided beliefs about many of the very women they’re trying to date. And when these misguided beliefs are communicated through their negative behavior toward us and we reject them — they’re left confused, angry, and pushed further away from finding the fulfilling relationships they desire.

Not to worry. I’m here to clear up any confusion men may have about what it’s really like to exist in society as a woman with ADHD — the good, the bad, and the bloody. (Boy, are they in for a surprise! 🙃)

To the small percentage of men who follow me and who genuinely want to learn about how to support and uplift women with ADHD — I see you, and I thank you for your solidarity. And trust me, having this understanding of women will positively benefit your relationships.

To the women who are deeply frustrated by the lack of education surrounding how ADHD impacts us — I hope this post provides you with some mic drop-worthy one-liners for your next date. But I really hope it serves as a reminder that no, you’re not “crazy” — you’re just living in a world that directly contradicts your unique physiology and doesn’t care to understand how or why.

And with that, let’s break down how society most definitely does not “accept ADHD women and not men.”

Women were largely left out of clinical research until 1993, when Congress passed the NIH (National Institutes of Health) Revitalization Act that required the inclusion of women.

Here’s where Brad from Bumble might unintentionally quote Ariana Grande with a question such as: “Yes, and? Women are included now! What else do you want?”

Simple: answers.

Research takes years, sometimes decades (i.e: longitudinal studies) to conduct, let alone go through the peer review process. Translation: 32 years is the same age as the average f—boy, and they’re still not ready for anything serious rn.

So, why were women grossly underrepresented in research until the rise of the “grunge” trend? Similar to the inspiration behind the style — it’s messy.

But gender bias, men’s bodies being considered the “norm,” and women’s fluctuating hormones (aka, the menstrual cycle — which encompasses four phases over the course of about month: menstrual, follicular, ovulatory, and luteal) all played major roles.

You see, our menstrual cycle caused unwanted “complications” in research, so men were often prioritized because they didn’t pose such an inconvenience. And when researchers applied the results from the male-only trials to women, and the women experienced different or even adverse results — they reacted like the rest of the world when a reporter was inadvertently added to a top secret U.S. government group chat: positively dumbfounded.

Of the limited research that’s available, it’s been revealed that ADHD presents very differently in women — often leading to a late-adult diagnosis and the resulting decades of complex trauma to unpack.

But wait, there’s more! Remember that complication menstrual cycle? Well, it turns out that research has shown that women’s hormones greatly impact the severity of ADHD, thanks to the role estrogen plays in managing neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin.

Not only does the drop in estrogen and rise of progesterone during the luteal phase (the second half of the cycle) worsen ADHD, there’s also a link between ADHD and PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) — aka: PMS on steroids.

PMDD is a debilitating disorder that wreaks havoc on the lives of the women it impacts. For two and a half (sometimes three!) weeks out of the month, we can experience spiraling anxiety, extreme mood swings, cramps so intense it feels you’re being impaled, boob soreness so painful you want to rip them off, changes in appetite, insomnia, acne, bloating, migraines, and so much more.

Oh, and let’s not forget, while PMDD is hijacking our bodies, our ADHD is hanging out in the background pouring fuel on the fire.

Until very recently, no one could figure out why some women develop crippling PMDD (because of — you guessed it! — the lack of research on women’s health). Then the girlies on TikTok started taking Pepcid AC and experienced real relief from some of their PMDD symptoms and everyone was left too stunned to spiral speak...

Turns out, the main ingredient in Pepcid AC, famotidine, is a histamine 2 (H2) receptor blocker. There are four main types of histamine receptors, with H2 being found in the GI tract.

So, how in the ever-loving eff is a histamine blocker alleviating PMDD symptoms? The answer can’t be given with certainty because, lol…you already know why. But experts are beginning to conclude that there may be a potential link between ADHD, the MTHFR gene, and MCAS (Mast Cell Activation Syndrome).

MCAS causes disruptions in histamine regulation. Disruptions in histamine regulation are associated with symptoms like anxiety and irritability. And the swing in hormones during the luteal phase worsens these symptoms x1000.

Why an H2 blocker? Because it targets the histamine receptors in the gut, which is a direct line of communication to the brain (à la the gut-brain axis). Though some women have reported relief from taking an H1 blocker (like a Zyrtec) or a combination of both.

The takeaway? Millions of women with ADHD have PMDD and are majorly suffering, and no one knew why until a girl popped an over-the-counter acid blocker and posted about it on the Internet.

This is all going down while we’re working 9-5’s designed to cater to people without ADHD, as well as men’s 24-hour hormonal cycle (where testosterone rises in the morning, and falls in the evening) and not women’s 28-35 day hormonal cycle.

And we’re getting paid less to do it.

Wait, don’t forget! We’re also pressured by society to find a husband and birth his children before we get too old and are considered “spinsters.” So we get on a dating app where we match with Chad, who can barely formulate a date plan and then follows it up by gaslighting us into thinking we should “split the check.” (As if our outfit, makeup, manicure, hair, and heels that his eyeballs thoroughly enjoyed didn’t cost more than the entire date, let alone his rent.)

Just for funsies — let’s imagine that, as we’re reviewing the bill, Chad’s final act includes an uneducated statement like, oh idk, how “society accepts ADHD women and not men.”

And when we inevitably reject Chad after his dramatic display of misogyny — he believes that he was wronged, and that “women are the problem.” Now, not only is he further away from finding a healthy relationship, so are women, because he spreads his ignorance to other men like the measles.

This misogyny has spread so far and wide that new policies aimed to defund research on women’s health are being put in place (yes, NIH agents have been warned against approving grants that include the word “women”), setting us back the decades we just barely started to gain.

So, no — society doesn’t “accept ADHD women and not men.”

Period. Pun intended.